I have been thinking so much lately that I feel like I have 88239729837 thoughts in my head that just won't get out. I feel like life is passing me by and I'm just letting it. People say that only WE can change the world and change our futures, but what if the world isn't allowing us to change OUR futures. While writing this it may come off jumbled and out there, but it's the best way to describe my feelings and my life and what I'm going through. I'm currently listening to The Verve Bittersweet Symphony I seriously believe that this song is how I am feeling right now.
I feel like I'm begging for something more, something that is going to define me. I look in the mirror and realize I have no life goals, I have no passions, or aspirations. Don't get me wrong I am so happy to be a wife, a mother and a birthmom and I cherish the opportunities that have been given to me to be able to share our story, but I am seriously wondering if this is my breaking point.
I consume myself with work, family, and wife things and it just seems like I'm giving the best of myself to all of that and I tend to forget myself, my needs, my wants, passions, aspirations etc.
I have been searching all over trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I have always wanted to be an English Teacher but I feel like motivation leaves me every chance I get to go there. Not only motivation but money. Money is a huge stressor for me.....I feel like I am completely drowning...all I want is for my family to have a great life. Yes, we don't have that many material things, we live in an apartment and have one car between the 2 of us. It seems so simple but it really isnt. I love my life don't get me wrong, I'm just tired of living week to week and wondering.....how are holidays going to go? Birthdays? Is this what my life is going to be?
I feel like I have nothing....(yes I have my family) but I mean other than that....what do I want to do with my life? what do I want to be? what do I want to see?
Just some thoughts I will try and figure all this out on another blog......but for now.....this is all i have because these are all the thoughts going through my head.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
::Inspired.....::
So, I read through someone else's blog, and I thought that I would just do this as well. Seems pretty closurish.
Dear 13-year old Alicia-
You're 13, you've spent most of your life getting made fun of because of your red hair and your buck teeth but guess what you get those braces off and you are heading into high school soon. Your freshmen year is going to be full of new things, new adventures, new friends, and a whirlwind of hormones.
Try out for more sports, become more involved with student activities and don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Yes, you will try out for the softball team and you will make it. But don't be upset if you don't play as many games as you would like. It's all a learning process and they are just doing it so you understand the game more and can make yourself out there. Get to know more of the girls and don't judge them by the way that they dress, act or speak. They will grow up one day.
You will have a best-friend that you will try to tell not to do things, but learn from her. She is stubborn but don't try and change how she is because she will one day learn from her experiences. Stand up for yourself.
Realize that when you are a senior you will apply to many schools and you will get into all of them, but go with your gut, go where you want to go, not go somewhere just because it's more expensive then other places.
Make more friends, don't hang out with a boy just because he's good looking, save yourself for that right person.
You will make a beautiful mother and you will do great things with your life. Just use your head and your heart.
Love always-
Alicia-the 23 year old you-
Dear 13-year old Alicia-
You're 13, you've spent most of your life getting made fun of because of your red hair and your buck teeth but guess what you get those braces off and you are heading into high school soon. Your freshmen year is going to be full of new things, new adventures, new friends, and a whirlwind of hormones.
Try out for more sports, become more involved with student activities and don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Yes, you will try out for the softball team and you will make it. But don't be upset if you don't play as many games as you would like. It's all a learning process and they are just doing it so you understand the game more and can make yourself out there. Get to know more of the girls and don't judge them by the way that they dress, act or speak. They will grow up one day.
You will have a best-friend that you will try to tell not to do things, but learn from her. She is stubborn but don't try and change how she is because she will one day learn from her experiences. Stand up for yourself.
Realize that when you are a senior you will apply to many schools and you will get into all of them, but go with your gut, go where you want to go, not go somewhere just because it's more expensive then other places.
Make more friends, don't hang out with a boy just because he's good looking, save yourself for that right person.
You will make a beautiful mother and you will do great things with your life. Just use your head and your heart.
Love always-
Alicia-the 23 year old you-
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
OH...here are some pictures from Courtney's Wedding :D
The bride being given away by her dad she looked so beautiful
Saying their vows
Tried to get all of the bridesmaids in this....the girl on the very right is our niece Kaitlyn :D
The beautiful centerpieces
The first dance as Husband and Wife
Dancing with her dad
Denny dancing with his mom
All of the bridesmaids
Outside of the church
On our way to the reception :D
::So much to update!::
Ok, I said that I wouldn't be coming back here until my 365 challenge was up but I just thought that I should update here as well.
::August 6, 2010 I married my best friend we have been married for 61 days so far and it is amazing :D I couldn't be happier::
::September has been crazy at work and unfortunately because we don't have the sales that we should our hours have been cut :( I'm super upset by it because i will no longer have the 35 hours a week that I have been so now I'm down to 19 hours...that's a lot of money that we are losing.::
::October 2, 2010 Trent's niece Courtney was married to her best friend and it was a beautiful day with a beautiful bride. Even though Trents brother and his wife were there I didn't say a word to her and barely a word to his brother because they just aren't worth it. She told Trent that "If you're happy I'm happy for you" which is so fake and such b.s. but whatever makes her feel better about herself.::
Upcoming events:
::October 27, our adoption will be finalized....it's such a sad thing, but such an amazing thing all at the same time. I am so happy for Ezra, Kris, and Timmy just still sad about it all but it's going to be amazing he has such an amazing life!
October 30 is halloween time in Terre Haute Kaelyn is going to be Cinderella and I have no idea what Ethyn is going to be so I'm stuck....any suggestions would help
October 31 Ezra gets blessed in the LDS church and I'm so excited for him....he has such a wonderful like and such amazing parents!
November 6 is Kaelyns 4th birthday party!! Pinatas and finger foods everyone and their kids are invited!
November 7 is Kaelyns 4th Birthday...I can't believe that she is already going to be 4...she is getting sooo big!
I will continue updates as things get closer!
Happy Wife, Happy life XOXOX
::August 6, 2010 I married my best friend we have been married for 61 days so far and it is amazing :D I couldn't be happier::
::September has been crazy at work and unfortunately because we don't have the sales that we should our hours have been cut :( I'm super upset by it because i will no longer have the 35 hours a week that I have been so now I'm down to 19 hours...that's a lot of money that we are losing.::
::October 2, 2010 Trent's niece Courtney was married to her best friend and it was a beautiful day with a beautiful bride. Even though Trents brother and his wife were there I didn't say a word to her and barely a word to his brother because they just aren't worth it. She told Trent that "If you're happy I'm happy for you" which is so fake and such b.s. but whatever makes her feel better about herself.::
Upcoming events:
::October 27, our adoption will be finalized....it's such a sad thing, but such an amazing thing all at the same time. I am so happy for Ezra, Kris, and Timmy just still sad about it all but it's going to be amazing he has such an amazing life!
October 30 is halloween time in Terre Haute Kaelyn is going to be Cinderella and I have no idea what Ethyn is going to be so I'm stuck....any suggestions would help
October 31 Ezra gets blessed in the LDS church and I'm so excited for him....he has such a wonderful like and such amazing parents!
November 6 is Kaelyns 4th birthday party!! Pinatas and finger foods everyone and their kids are invited!
November 7 is Kaelyns 4th Birthday...I can't believe that she is already going to be 4...she is getting sooo big!
I will continue updates as things get closer!
Happy Wife, Happy life XOXOX
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Taking the challenge....
So, while going through my weddingbuzz, the nest, and my mommyhood chats on facebook I came upon the 365 day photo challenge posted by a friend of mine and I decided to take it....so I am sorry to say this but this blog will probably go without notice for some time. Day 1 started today. Take a look at my 365 day photo challenge.
Have fun!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Sad and Tired....
This week has been a long week. I find myself feeling bad for things I shouldn't feel bad for....I feel like I can't show things or have things be shown because I feel like I'm 8 and getting yelled at for taking the last cookie without asking.
Yesterday I received some news from my doctor which kind of scares me. Knowing that it could be nothing makes it easier, but knowing that it could be something makes it harder. I miss Ezra everyday and I'm sad because I feel like I don't get to enjoy him which I knew would happen and thats fine....I'm just allowed to feel this way but I HATE feeling this way.
Uggh....I just really hope the next couple months get easier...
Yesterday I received some news from my doctor which kind of scares me. Knowing that it could be nothing makes it easier, but knowing that it could be something makes it harder. I miss Ezra everyday and I'm sad because I feel like I don't get to enjoy him which I knew would happen and thats fine....I'm just allowed to feel this way but I HATE feeling this way.
Uggh....I just really hope the next couple months get easier...
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Til Death..Do us Part...
So, while on Facebook going through my normal Weddingbuzz day lol of forums and posts...I ran across this...and it spoke sooo true to my heart....
Here's a story a friend of mine posted.. it made me open my eyes just a little.
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6
Here's a story a friend of mine posted.. it made me open my eyes just a little.
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6
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